Brian & Trula » Inside a Marriage

On My Parents’ Marriage

Trula — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 15:55:12 +0000

My parents celebrate their 41st marriage anniversary this year. Someone mentioned to me that I must be so proud, to which I replied nah, not really. It’s their marriage, not mine. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it, as I suspect for many years they stayed together to ‘prove everyone wrong’…in addition to the age difference, my mom is my dad’s 5th wife, and he had grown and near grown children and small children, who my mother subsequently raised (imagine entering a marriage taking on 7 kids, then having 4 of your own), and he had an extended family that was basically, well, to put it nicely, interesting. My mother came with her own baggage as well, though much of it was hidden and not as obvious and in-your-face as my dad’s. Hers included a massive father complex (her own father basically vanished when her parents divorced when she was a small child) among other things.

Still, they are in a good place now, and it has been neat for me to see them fall back in love repeatedly over the years. And my mother has finally ‘grown up’ in the relationship; she speaks up for herself and doesn’t let my dad boss her around anymore. I like how he treats her now, he is very appreciative of who she is as a woman, as a person. ‘course the cynical side of me thinks well now he is in his mid-80s and starting to become elderly (though he is still a quite fit and dashing man) so he needs her to take care of him, but I truly thinks it’s the mellowing of years and the gradual and deep aging of their love. He truly loves her, and she truly loves him. It’s a beautiful thing to see and be a product of.

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Making Time For Each Other

Trula — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 04:48:00 +0000

Tuesday Brian and I went out, we caught a bite at a lovely restaurant while my in-laws had the kids. I forgot my lovely new camera! Brian got me Christmas but one thing I plan to do in 2009 is document more of our special times together, just he and I. It was really nice.

Happy New Year to all you couples out there. I hope you grow in your love.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Brian and Trula: A Marriage!

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Ode To My Husband

Trula — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 16:49:00 +0000

My husband Brian is really cool. I don’t think he knows how much I love and appreciate him. I should tell him more often. I am just as lucky to have him as he is to have me. He has brought a lot of stability to my life compared to when I was a single mother, and he is a very kind, loving and good father.

Plus he’s good-looking and has amazing body heat, two things I really like.

We went through our first real rough patch in our relationship in 2002 and almost got divorced. It wasn’t for the ‘big’ reasons, there was no cheating or physical abuse or drug use or any of that craziness. All I can say is that we were both real stubborn and immature…For myself I know I had a difficult time owning up to what I had done to contribute to the demise of our marriage. We decided to try staying together because, yeah we still loved each other, but more important neither of us wanted to wreck our family for the kids. Flash-forward, after both of us trying and working on it we are so glad we stuck it out; by 2004 we knew we had made the right decision.

I would be lying if I said it has been easy. It has been a continual struggle for me to change years of a pattern of behavior and interaction, but I have a newfound respect for my husband and myself for undertaking a lot of painful emotional growth. I love him so much! and I’m a better person from being with him.

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Choosing & Following Marital Advice Here: Take it With a Grain of Salt

Trula — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 21:00:00 +0000

I want to tell you, to take advice on here with a grain of salt. The only people who really know what’s going on in a marriage are the two people involved in it. There are many sources of conflict in marriages, for example money is the #1 cause of divorce in the United States, I’ve read. It doesn’t have to be a reason to break up if people are willing to work it out.

Brian and I have had our share of problems and there are things we still struggle with. My intention with this blog is to share how we have overcome some problems and how we’re working through others (as well as keep a journal about planning and having our marriage renewal vows ceremony in 2009). However I am not a trained or licensed marriage counselor and that I what I recommend to people struggling in their marriage. Have you ever considered counseling? Sometimes you need an objective 3rd party to lend an ear and give advice. Our marriage counselor could listen to my husband and then explain what he meant (about money or whatever) without it seeming wacky like it did when I tried to hear him directly, and vice versa. She also gave us many communication techniques that helped us to change the language/manner of speaking we used with each other.

The ways that Brian and I have worked through problems in our marriage are just that…Our ways. While I am happy to share what worked for us, I want to stress that no one way is set in stone or the ultimate ‘right’ way to handle problems in a marriage. You can choose what will work best for your marriage and that will be right for you.

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What a Healthy Marriage Looks Like

Trula — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 20:26:00 +0000

My husband makes me feel safe. He is not jealous of my relationships with other people. He trusts me completely. He is proud of me. He holds me in the night. He makes me tea when I am cold and sometimes just because. He talks to me. He compliments me.

With him I am never afraid. He stops when I say no. Even when he is trembling and hard as a rock. When I say yes he is gentle and ardent and overwhelms me; I sometimes lose my senses. He laughs at my goofy jokes. His eyes light up when he sees me. He doesn’t blame me or bring up my past mistakes, he believes that I am trying to change and work on my issues. He is trying to change and work on his own issues. He tells me I am a great mom. He is a great dad. He listens to me.

We are a team. We makes plans together. We both know we’ve messed up our money and we’re getting it together as a team. We discuss our parenting and we present a united front to our kids. We like to be together, after 11 years we still have plenty of things to say to one another. We support each other in all that we do. He reads my work and tells me I am a good writer. He smells my feet after I go running and tells me he loves me anyway. This makes me laugh every time. He sometimes cleans up after himself, sometimes not. Either way he doesn’t hassle me about housework. I no longer hassle him about housework either/

He holds me when I cry. He hardly ever cries but when he feels sad he leans into me and I hold him tight. We can tell each other anything; dreams, nightmares, fantasies and fears. Sometimes I take off my clothes and look in the mirror and feel flabby and gross and ashamed of my body. Then I turn around and he says WOW you are fine and I look back in the mirror and see Yes indeed I am the fine woman I see reflected in his eyes.

He is my rock. He feels like my home.

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