Brian & Trula » Long Term

Before We Were Married

Trula — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 01:59:00 +0000

I was with my husband for 3 years and had a child by him before I married him. During that time we had friends and family hinting, telling, even downright urging us to marry. Part of me did not want to marry just because so many people were trying to force it on me. Part of me wanted to do the best thing for the security of my family. Ultimately for our situation legal marriage beat cohabitation hands down. But we did it quietly at the courthouse with one witness, because it was way economical and because I didn’t want to seem like I was giving in to pressure about my relationship. almost 8 years later and having been to various weddings of friends and family I now see the cultural importance of weddings/commitment ceremonies.

When we weren’t married I would cite the current divorce rate to people pressuring me to get married. I would also tell them that after 2 failed youthful relationships that resulted in children I wanted to be sure this relationship would last before I married him. I also asked them why it was so important to them that I marry. The answers I received were often surprising and illuminating and truly made me ponder our relationship and living situation from different angles.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Brian and Trula: A Marriage!

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Ode To My Husband

Trula — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 16:49:00 +0000

My husband Brian is really cool. I don’t think he knows how much I love and appreciate him. I should tell him more often. I am just as lucky to have him as he is to have me. He has brought a lot of stability to my life compared to when I was a single mother, and he is a very kind, loving and good father.

Plus he’s good-looking and has amazing body heat, two things I really like.

We went through our first real rough patch in our relationship in 2002 and almost got divorced. It wasn’t for the ‘big’ reasons, there was no cheating or physical abuse or drug use or any of that craziness. All I can say is that we were both real stubborn and immature…For myself I know I had a difficult time owning up to what I had done to contribute to the demise of our marriage. We decided to try staying together because, yeah we still loved each other, but more important neither of us wanted to wreck our family for the kids. Flash-forward, after both of us trying and working on it we are so glad we stuck it out; by 2004 we knew we had made the right decision.

I would be lying if I said it has been easy. It has been a continual struggle for me to change years of a pattern of behavior and interaction, but I have a newfound respect for my husband and myself for undertaking a lot of painful emotional growth. I love him so much! and I’m a better person from being with him.

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Take the Long-range View of Marriage

Trula — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 13:34:00 +0000

I will share some things that helped us. When Brian and I were going to get divorced a couple of years ago but decided to stay together we got a lot of feedback from others and a lot of helpful advice. One of the best things I was told and I learned to apply to my marriage was that I should always understand that my husband’s perception is valid for him. He may be dead wrong or he may be half-right, whatever, but his feelings and his viewpoint is valid. I shouldn’t dismiss it out of hand or feel that my feelings trump his, and vice versa. I should listen to his viewpoint and ask him, what can I do to help change things? This really helps and it brought us closer together, talking and listening to each other’s viewpoint and then sitting down together to make a plan that addressed whatever the problem was.

Another thing that we learned that helped was that couples tend to mirror each other. So if I was acting funky Brian would pick up on that and start acting funky, then I would respond to that with more anger/acting out, then he would start acting out, and so on so forth. Now we try to nip this in the bud. For instance if Brian is upset I try not to take it personally even if it’s directed toward me; I smile and cuddle him up and ask him if hes ok and that usually mellows him out. Or if I’m upset at something he said or did and get to acting irate, instead of getting defensive or shutting down emotionally like he used to he pulls me close and apologizes and gets me to laugh. Frequently touching and smiling at your partner works wonders.

A friend of mine who has been married for 40 years told me this: Brian is my closest relation now under law so when I am pissed with him I should remember that. Sometimes my parents or sisters or brothers or cousins and even my kids piss me off, but I would never consider leaving them or no longer having them in my life. So when I am upset with Brian I should think about that and understand that I married him for life; divorce isn’t even an option unless it’s a dire, extreme circumstance. I was/am so glad she told me this because it really helped me to apply the long-range view to my marriage: If I get upset with him tomorrow, for example, that doesn’t mean I’ll still be mad with him the day after tomorrow. And certainly in 30, 40 years I won’t be mad at him about it. This really puts things in perspective for me and helped to let go of petty stuff and not nurse feelings of hurt and rancor towards my husband.

Marriage has it’s ups and downs. Changing your pattern of interaction with your husband is going to be very tough but you can do it! and it’s ok if you mess up. He will also mess up and he will also have a hard time changing his pattern of interaction with you…whether or not he realizes this he will be forced to change as you change; if you are no longer bossing him around that shifts the dynamic of your relationship quite a bit. Change is hard, but if you two both stay comitted and talking to each other you will make it.

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