Brian & Trula » Personal Growth In Marriage

Personal Growth in Marriage

Trula — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 15:40:10 +0000

The other day Brian said something to be that really, really hurt my feelings. We were watching this comedy show that talked about the various racial stereotypes among women, i.e Asian women and white women being more submissive than black women in relationships. I said to Brian, well that’s not true, you can’t get more submissive than I am. I said this because I tend to be very submissive to Brian in most things; he definitely is the head of our household. So imagine my surprise when he said, Well, you can get a little feisty sometimes.

What???

Feisty?

Me, feisty?

I was floored, because I don’t consider myself feisty at all. But the more I thought about it, the more I could see how some of my words and actions could be misinterpreted this way. I do have a very thin-skin; I’m very sensitive and easily hurt and often feel I have to defend myself. So what to me seems like a perfectly reasonable response to something that triggers me negatively, may seem to others like an over-reaction. I think I am just defending myself but to others I just look ‘feisty’ and like I’m ‘going off’. Truly, this is something I need to work on. It starts with improving my self esteem so that I don’t get my feelings hurt so easily. I also need to keep reminding myself that I can choose how I respond to things, both in word and deed.

I feel I’ve grown a lot in the 13 years we have been together, but I recognize that I have a tremendous amount of growth to undergo. As does Brian. but we have to each work on our individual issues within ourselves.

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Ode To My Husband

Trula — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 16:49:00 +0000

My husband Brian is really cool. I don’t think he knows how much I love and appreciate him. I should tell him more often. I am just as lucky to have him as he is to have me. He has brought a lot of stability to my life compared to when I was a single mother, and he is a very kind, loving and good father.

Plus he’s good-looking and has amazing body heat, two things I really like.

We went through our first real rough patch in our relationship in 2002 and almost got divorced. It wasn’t for the ‘big’ reasons, there was no cheating or physical abuse or drug use or any of that craziness. All I can say is that we were both real stubborn and immature…For myself I know I had a difficult time owning up to what I had done to contribute to the demise of our marriage. We decided to try staying together because, yeah we still loved each other, but more important neither of us wanted to wreck our family for the kids. Flash-forward, after both of us trying and working on it we are so glad we stuck it out; by 2004 we knew we had made the right decision.

I would be lying if I said it has been easy. It has been a continual struggle for me to change years of a pattern of behavior and interaction, but I have a newfound respect for my husband and myself for undertaking a lot of painful emotional growth. I love him so much! and I’m a better person from being with him.

Accepting My Husband As He Is It is a waste of time trying to change a...

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You Are the Expert on Your Life, Even While Married

Trula — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 01:20:00 +0000

Sometimes I used to get in a mood and demand of my husband to tell me what I should do about a particular work problem or changes I should make to improve my personality. This happened when I felt stressed with work or frustrated with my writing and business. I was reading through old journals recently and was struck by how often this used to come up. Last night I was skimming through my planner and saw a quote I had taped in there:

Only You Can Be the Expert on Your Life

“A person who is alive is constantly getting lost. The big thing…is to realize that this is your own adventure, and that all the field guides and oracles and shamans…holding up the mirrors can only flash you a glimpse of your own story. It’s yours to savor. It belongs to no one else.”
-The Thief of Happiness: The Story of an Extraordinary Psychotherapy by Bonnie Friedman

This is so true! In a marriage sometimes it is so easy to think in ‘we’ terms. But even within a marriage we are still individual people in charge of our own lives and destiny. Brian’s silence and puzzled expressions when I demanded solutions from him regarding what should I do with this, what should I do about that used to make me angry. Now I am glad he chose to express to me that I have to make my own decisions regarding work, writing, my life. I doubt I would have undergone the level of growth I’ve experienced in the past 11 years without his encouragement in this.

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